Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Randomize
