I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
