The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
