Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
