What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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