..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
