she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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