I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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