I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
