Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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