I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
