I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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