I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
