you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
