true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
