the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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