I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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