i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
