Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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