I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
