TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
