I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
did i walk over a car last night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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