Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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