I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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