the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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