she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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