I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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