Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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