first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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