I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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