he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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