I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
