Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
