guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
