Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
