i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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