My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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