Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
