Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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