I am spending my child support on dildos
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
