i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize