Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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