Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
