I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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