The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
