fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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