Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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