So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
