Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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