I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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