Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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