I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
