I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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