Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
